REFLECTION #2

I wake up thinking,

today is going to be a different day

Kids jumping on top of me

" - It's morning time"

When was the last time I slept in ?

I gotta work today, I need a coffee,

I am thinking about quitting my job.

Pick up the clothes

Wash the dishes

Throw the rubbish

Everything under control.

But I need coffee,, and I want sex.

" -daddy clean my bum"

Clean my kids bum

Clean my bum

Take the cat litter out

I never expected my life

to take such a scatologic turn 

Take the kids out to the park

Make sure they don't fall apart

make sure the park doesn't fall apart

reminiscence about my childhood.

It is summer now, and it's very hot.

get under the shadow,

I wish I could read a book

fantasise about beer.

Go back home to my wife

Eat chinese food, 

over eat knowing I should stop.

blame it on the taste.

When was the last time we went out together?

fantasise about a romantic date

I really should quit my job

I need a bigger place

I want sex, loud sex, phenomenal sex

Calculate, Plan, Fantasise.

Two more years and they will go to school

Two more years and I'll be alone with her.

Fantasise.

I need a bigger place.

That's it, I am going to quit

Today is the day

I am going to do it.

Fuck my job, fuck the money

Fuck everything,

I'll run away,

fantasise about being an outcast

solve all the imaginary scenarios where I get caught

In another life I could have been a great villain

Sometimes I want to destroy things

I want to scream,  I want to break

It is all this pressure

accumulated, little by little

day by day, 

Sometimes I lose hope in humanity,

is that considered a crime?

nobody said it was going to be easy

i just didn't expect it to be this hard.

fantasise about the life of rich people

fantasise about huge dvd collections,  aircon, and red carpets

life is good.

who cares about the pain.

Answer the phone

complain about the order of things

complain about the people

explain the unexplainable to my kids

google it.

end up scrolling trough old family photos

reminiscence about happiness

family, I love my family

It just makes it feel like everything is worthy

But I so not want to go to work,

i just want to rest

Check the tram, its getting late

I am not going to work

I quit, I had enough. 

Where did I leave my uniform?

miss the tram. Gotta walk.

Get a take away coffee

check the calories

get a skinny coffee

fantasize about being fit, and wise and cool,

I should go to a gym.

order a long black instead.

stare at the waiter

stare at the girl having a chai

fantasise about sex with strangers

I am late for work,

Who cares.

I am going to quit,

spend the day in the cafe.

I love this neighbourhood, I love this city.

so full of people, so full of live

realize the chai girl is french,

fantasise about learning french

fantasise about sex with a french girl

remember paris,

remember the keyring,

the one that the illegal immigrant from zambia

sold me under the eiffel tower,

remember the police vans coming, 

remember the crowd running.

remember how to swear in french.

answer the phone,

is my boss.

run to work,

make a joke with the coworker

make a joke with a customer

catch two teens pinching liquor

feel like a super hero

fantasise about saving the world

have a coke knowing i should drink water

fantasise about spirits

fantasise about spirits and sex

I've never been the party type.

i want sex, 

call my wife to tell her I miss her.

no answer, she must be sleeping.

Sort out the shelves,

throw out the rubbish

buy toilet paper

buy sand for the cat.

complain about capitalism

complain about how tired I am

get paid.

close the shop.

Find a proper bench to wait for the tram home

share a cigarette with a homeless guy

"be the change you want to see in the world"

it says a magnet I got sticked up in the fridge,

I bought it 7 years ago.

not much has change since then.

i should have quit my job,

try not to wake up the kids

try to wake up the wife for sex

she doesnt.

check facebook while taking a shit

check facebook while brushing my teeth.

i need to go to the gym.

fantasise about having the perfect body.

defend myself from lethal attack from the cat

go to sleep, cover the kids, close the windows

try to wake her up one last time, get scolded

feel the cold, the loneliness, feel old.

She wakes up,

and hugs me.

and I am grateful for this day,

and i am happy.

tomorrow will be a different day.

Ivan.

Entonces esto es, no ?.
La vida, que llaman.
Tantas calles, tantas esquinas
esa luz siempre prendida

todo lo que te ignora
todo lo que te abraza
el balcon, la hamaca, la noche
los lapices gastados
el cafe sobre la mesa

tanto dolor
tantas mentiras
tanto amor

templados al fuego
terriblemente fuertes
y vulnerables
hombres, que llaman.

Historia de amor para una tarde de verano

Historia de amor para una tarde de verano

I

el silencio
entro en su ojos
como un cristal
brilla, se abraza
y muere.

II

Incomprensible,
adorable
a orillas del sol
su deseo
se descubre

III

Y si tan solo
pudieras gritar!
no hay espacios vacíos
solo esta mente de hierro
que sonríe

IV

Otro instante,
por favor.
Prolonga mi muerte
Soy mas, soy nada, soy vos.

V

Alberga la oscuridad
de este santuario,
de esta batalla sin enemigos.
Mañana solo quedaran ruinas
Y esta historia.


Ivan.

Despertar al otro lado

Despertar al otro lado

Nunca saber si estuve equivocado
en esta balanza de tiempo y moral
rodeado de ojos brillantes y pequeños
rodeado de este amor extranjero
de soles fuera de orbita
de amaneceres oscuros como pestañas
siempre en mi absurda soledad
rodeado por todos.

Extraño tantas voces, tantos labios
esa humedad despreocupada
sin lazos, sin cerrojos
como descubriendo subitamente
que el desierto esta vivo
y que mi cuerpo en llamas jamas cicatriza

Pero despierto aqui, al otro lado
agonizando entre fantasias
dibujando un futuro ya extinto
como quien siembra un suspiro
en medio de la selva hambrienta

La realidad es una mano enorme
que perdio sus yemas en una apuesta
tiempo atras, cuando perdimos la infancia
e intenta acariciarte, pero te golpea
y solo puedes abrazarla y respirar
aprender a amar de nuevo

y es un amor diferente
salvaje, un amor de subsistencia
necesario,
impresionantemente humano

Ivan.

La madurez del laberinto

Desde el retrato perdido de mi inocencia
como quien camina descalzo entre las piedras
trato de sostener la marea un par de olas mas
trato de recordar los sabores amargos, la sal, la tempestad
trato de no olvidar los colores, los destellos, los roces,
lo entonces inconcebible que ahora ha sido alcanzado
las palidas esquinas del mantel, y las sonrisas,
que extremadamente dificil es olvidar las sonrisas.

Solo llega a mi un vago suspiro, como vaho en un espejo
y escribo en el palabras que no llegan.

Ivan.

surrounded by monsters
we spend that day staring at the sun
everyones tried to be an angel
but, it is all this emptiness... .. it's all this emptiness

stars gone in a deep slumber
like a drop of rain that never dries
falling into your infinite iris charm
release, relieve, all inside out

a powerful statue that has been awake
let the wind blow him away,
and he dreamed he was an autumn leave
for a second stop thinking about the future

all inside out, i can barely open my eyes
and i see you, filling the space,

and somebody said, i don't love you anymore
as if there was a choice
as if it could be rational

and walked away, walked away into another sun,
and so it will burn ,
and that light will be like a pain
travel in the galaxy mind of a simple man.

Ivan.